Now, I don't know about y'all. But relationships and partnerships are something I very much take seriously. Whether this is because of how I was raised (present father and mother figure, youngest turned only child in household, morals, fear, trauma etcetera).
GO AHEAD AND LISTEN BELOW
I feel like I often look at relationships as transactional. When I say relationships I mean every type. I'm not speaking specifically because I think all relationships share the same base. Love, respect and understanding. I want this to be digested by everyone. I'm aware everyone experiences love in different ways so I won't add a concrete definition to it as it is a feeling with various degrees. But I will trace back to my first statement and acknowledge where I think this "transactional" mindset comes from.
For backstory, a couple of months ago I ran to my search engine to google "codependency". I'd been hearing these words all over Instagram and never had the means to understand it. I'd just thought of it as a compound word which didn't need further explanation. To my surprise, this word did not just mean "depending on a second party and feeling the need to be one". First of all, I'd like to preface the blunt obvious truth. I am not a doctor. This is a self observation which I've decided to peel into and because this is going to be put online, I have to say that. Anyway, codependency usually comes out when you've created an unhealthy attachment to someone or you’ve created an unhealthy relationship with yourself. In my case, I subconsciously try to be what is known as a fixer. I get very comfortable dealing with the chaos of
people around me because it gives me an opportunity to neglect my own needs and problems and enable the people around me. I enjoy being the solution for issues that probably should not concern me, but I am exposed to. Often leading me to offer advice over a listening ear (something which I am working on). I admire this about myself because it does show I am empathetic and have a big heart. But, I do recognize that this could transition into an unhealthy cycle of taking on the stress of others. I don't think I'm prone to toxic relationships. I actually think the relationships I currently have are all very healthy and loving. But I've only ever seen this come out when there is an unhealthy dynamic with no equality. A constant battle between viewing each other as better or lesser and controlling the situation.
Friendships. Those breakups are brutal. Like I said in the beginning, this is a relationship that I take very seriously. I’m not clingy, I’m not a “speak to you everyday, see you everyday” friend but I’m so big on loyalty and maintaining it. Sometimes I get weirdly loyal. I know you may know what I’m talking about. Popular example; If that drunk girl you met in the bathroom 5 years ago in a bar unfollowed you on Instagram. It would touch you a little bit, don’t lie. That’s a dramatized example of my weird loyalty with strangers but if you do this, find comfort in knowing I do too. In the past I was unable to identify the
saying “your friends tell a story about you” with my friends. My first thought would be to disagree. But if I look at this from a different point of view, my friends all do bring the same energy in loyalty and appreciation and I think that may partially be how I pick my friendships. I enjoy the boundaries we have and how we communicate. Friendship. It is something you should look for in a serious romantic partner too. I think it’s beneficial in the long run to make sure that’s there. How you gon’ love someone you don’t like? It’s wise to pay attention to your partner's friendships too. Their social life. There’s many reasons why I say this but I’ll mention one. You don’t want to be someone's dependent. Friends can do this too! If you are close knit with a specific friend or a partner and they don’t also have a balance of friends/family (if they speak) it can put a lot of pressure on you. Which you don’t want especially if you are someone who values independence in a relationship.
So, if you’re like me and you forgot how to take care of yourself around others, ask yourself this question
"do I believe I have value if I do nothing?". At times I forget the importance of individuality and I forget to take care of myself because I’m trying to help someone else. I know that thinking like that comes from self doubt and insecurities. I would say I am a confident person and I am often described in that manner but it only takes one person to make you think poorly about yourself. You can go from loving yourself and being self sufficient to completely lost and unsure in an instant. I've seen it happen to many good people around me and have experienced it first hand. If you are being told you are a certain way, our mind has a way of believing in these false truths. False truths can come from within too. At the end of the day, it also only takes one person to build you back up and that's yourself! So keep your head up, baby!
I’d like to say thank you to those who have made it this far. I want you to think for a moment. How do you see the relationships in your life? Do you value loyalty? Are the people in your life inspiring you?
I feel like I grew to view relationships (specifically romantic) as a very mature and adult thing to engage in. I sort of knew from a young age that no matter how grown I felt, I knew a relationship was something I’d only want to take on in a mature and whole mindset. It seemed sacred to me. Something to enjoy and not something I needed to rush into. Because of this, I feel like I naturally hold myself to a standard. Not
where I view myself as better than, but more so that I have to view more than potential in a man. Now of course, as humans, we indulge in natural behavior. We like to feel desired, these feelings form organically. And I think it’s important to explore those feelings because as I venture into adulthood, I admit, I feel a bit lost. Especially with how this generation views commitment and love. But deciding to enter a relationship should be a happy addition that you decide to put yourself in. I don’t think a relationship should bring constant battles. We are taught to view marriage as the ultimate aspiration. It's a part of the cycle and we are here to mate. So sometimes, we can put ourselves in situations to achieve this aspiration even if it’s no good. I am a bit dreamy when it comes to imagining the man I see myself spending a lifetime (or lesson) with and if I’m being quite honest, I think that the type of person I imagine myself with would actually be boring after getting to know myself a little better and actually engaging with men who have different personalities.
I think it's safe to say, I am selective with the people I welcome into my life because I live by the words “everybody eats”. I think that it’s important to make sure that the people who you are putting energy into uplift you into your purpose. I’m very passionate about the riches in life. Happiness being the most important. I am ambitious when it comes to reaching financial stability. I want wellness in my physical and mental being and to have strong relationships. I’m always trying to learn more and expand my knowledge. So when I take my seat at the table, I can look out and see all the people who shaped me, feel peace and give back. Give back to them, the Earth and the people who walk on it.
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